Literally the day after I wrote my last note to you it all came to a screeching halt. All holiday festivities + feelings. All work to begin wrapping up the end of the year. Everything. It just stopped.
I had a super migraine last Friday, left work early, stumbled home, drew the curtains, closed the bedroom door, pulled the covers up, and sank deep down into a dark place that I’ve never visited before. Head pounding, body aching, I lay there for 21 hours falling in and out of sleep. On Saturday, when I could finally move without my head feeling like it would explode, I summoned my energy to sit at the dining table for a few minutes, and took a home antigen test.
Positive. Both of us. After almost 3 miraculous years, our turn has come.
Just as I settled into the darkest weeks of the year, I found myself deeper in that darkness than I’d ever imagined.
I’m not being melodramatic. And I know that I am late to the Covid club, most of you have been there, done that. I’m focusing mostly on the irony, the gift, the craziness that my turn arrived just as we approach the winter solstice. These dark, cold, hopeless winter days. It just all feels so symbolic to me. Talk about aligning with nature + the rhythms of the earth. I have literally been forced into my own winter hibernation.
And, here I am. 5 days later. Still laying in bed. Still testing positive. Still experiencing symptoms that are all over the place.
I don’t feel sorry for myself, though. (Ok. Maybe a little - no sense of taste or smell is not fun). I am really trying to embrace these quiet days of literal nothingness as something I obviously need and/or can absolutely use. I’m feeling all that I feel. And a lot of it is daaaark.
We’ve had to cancel one holiday celebration after another (we had a really big week this week). And that sucks (understatement). No more holiday concerts. No Christmas staff celebration for Lina. No cozy holiday weekend in Stockholm at a funky boutique hotel (we rebooked for February). No dinners out or drag bingo. No cooking, baking, or enjoying holiday (or any!) food.
But, surely we will be better for Christmas and New Year’s celebrations and our few days off during that time. At least this didn’t happen right then. And for that, we are super grateful.
Speaking of grateful, even though I’ve been feeling very dark this past week, the darkness has also revealed so much for which I am deeply grateful. It’s almost as if, without the dark, I would not see the light. And isn’t that just the lesson that the winter holidays and sacred days want to share with us?
Out of the darkness, or better yet, right in the middle of the darkness, the stars rise, day breaks, a light shines. The darkness has its own gifts - if we dare to dwell there. (Or are forced to, since we have Covid. Hehe).
Today, I still feel like shit. And I have a massive amount of holiday FOMO. But, tucked away deep in the darkness, I am also unearthing so much from deep within. Somehow, between cheesy Christmas movies, naps, and sickness, a vision is forming in my soul. A vision for how I want to move forward into the new year.
While I’m tending to my health, I am also tending to my roots, discovering a “fuck it” attitude, and realizing that it’s time to truly put an end to these past 2-3 years. I am ready to move into a whole new phase of my life - however that looks. And I feel deep wisdom, gained from these past few years, guiding me to take control. I want to live again. I want to re-claim me. Fuck the pain, the disappointment, and the sadness. They are still there. I still accept and embrace them - and the fact that they are part of me. But, I also release them and move in rhythm with life. Cycling + spiraling through all of the ups and downs with ease and flow. And now, filled with the lessons of the dark, it is time to create and live all of those vibes that I’ve been missing during these past dark, tough years. To better embody my full life - sadness, grief, joy, hope, and all.
It’s time to be all in. To get lost in all that I do. To ritualize my life. To make + find art everywhere. To get carried away with wonder and inspiration. To indulge. This will be the deep, velvety, nourishing, hearty, romantic, magical, gentle, artsy, mystical, feminine creative season of my life.
Just give me a couple of more days to get well… then, I’m all in.
xoxo. liz.
I started these winter notes back on December 1st with the idea that I am “all in” this winter, this holiday season, this December. Seems like these two tiny words are taking on a life of their own. I had no idea that they would follow me this far. Perhaps they will follow me into the new year. Perhaps they are just the mantra + intention to carry me into this next phase of my life.
Hmm…
More on that in 2023. 😊